9.7.2015:

9. july 2015 at 21:34 | Alice |  Riverflow
I am no more than a faint heat haze.

I lost the ability to write.
 

Be the first one to judge this article.

Comments

1 Lily | 10. july 2015 at 21:15 | React

Why You do this?
What I did wrong?
Please don´t be like that....

2 Alice | Web | 10. july 2015 at 23:49 | React

This has nothing to do with anyone, it is entirely my issue.

It's been a long-term one all connected with me coming home and facing my older self, the silence and emptiness inside and with my recent inability to withstand human touches. I did not know how I should treat the chaos inside me and the only things that were helping temporarily were jrock and lolita. I was numbing myself over and over and in the end... running away.

Then one of my close friends confessed to me and I had to reject him. I told him my reasons, that I am not able to love wholeheartedly since my first relationship and that I can't stand people invading my privacy zone which it seems is becoming bigger and bigger. We then discussed a lot of things and I realised that maybe I should cut some things down a little and look into myself in a calm way.

I was hanging on, ruining the images of artists dear to me by creating those disgraceful stories, having my sleep routine completely reversed and not eating more than two small meals a day. I knew I needed to do something but I was putting it off hoping it would fade away or somehow solve itself.

Yesterday, however, it all culminated when I was forced to choose between you two. I could never do that, because you are like my long-lost sister and she is... I don't know how to define that. She is the proof that I am not quite dead yet; but it's far more complicated than that and I myself cannot put it in the words. Everything in that moment just snapped inside me and I knew that this could no longer go on, so I decided to refrain from society, give myself a little rest, read books and to study more.

And I can already feel results, so it was a decision worth trying. I don't know how long my incomplete isolation will last though. Maybe a few days will be enough, maybe not. I am not answering any phone calls, since I am not brave nor strong enough right now.

I am sorry for the lenghty response but I wanted to avoid confusion and misunderstandings. 'Too long, didn't read lol' comments are completely welcome.

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